I used to believe that I could accomplish anything that I put my mind and heart to. I used to believe that hard work, dedication and effort would always pay off for me. I may not be the most gifted person, but I believed that if I would work hard and learn alot that I could always succeed. I want to travel over seas. I wanted to save my money up and be able to live in a remote country in a place where few foreign visitors ever travel. I wanted to study a foreign language. I would take on anything that challenged me. I problem-solved and always found a solution. SometimesI had little spare money but I was able to always find a creative way to make my ends meet. I met so many fascinating people in my lifetime. I've gone to some of the coolest events and functions. I always made friends wherever I went. I maintained long friendships. My personal creed years and years ago used to be "find one common interest to relate to in everyone I meet" and that creed worked wonders for me as I would through the years get invites to so many things and call upon acquaintances at different times. I was a leader. I belived that with prayer and faith that I could change anything in my life. I was in complete control. I was devout and read my scriptures endlessly. I fully believed that I had the ability to change everything and anything in my life that I wanted to.
However everything has seemed so past tense lately and I was beginning to feel like life was on the downward hill now as I get older. So I decided to ponder from past and think about today. So I realized that, I have learned that there are many things that I just will have to live with and that I cannot change. I learned to not stress out about life when it comes at me full force. Things happen to people and sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it. I learned that painful experiences are just part of life. I've realized I was not meant to white-knuckle my way through life but rather make peace with life and be positive.
Yesterday I had a bit of an epiphany about how I've changed. I realized that in the process of making peace with my life that I now look at life as destiny as a living, breathing, entity with its own agenda that I cannot control nor manipulate. Essentially, I had been successful at so many things that I set my mind and heart to and had made so many changes in my life. I was beginning to question my life mission and think if I decided to settle for a mediocre life.?
No, I don't think that I've settled for a mediocre life right now. Things have gone really well over the last month or two for me and I have finally felt the return of many of my goals that I had lost. I am feeling more motivated, but not only do I have fear of failure, but also of success. Like I said, I used to believe that I could succeed in anything and I was pretty successful because of that belief. Knowing now that I cannot achieve everything I set out to achieve makes me hesitant at times and well, lazy too. It's easy for me to say, "Oh well, I couldn't help that things went this way or that... It's not my fault that I felt that way..." It's this false belief that "life happens to me" rather than "I'm in control of my life." I suppose then the truth is that there is probably a balance and harmony between the two. I just needed to know how to find that balance.
I understand that I am the master of my own ship and that there is a thin balance between what I can control and cannot. It makes accountability very difficult because I must question how much control I have in any given situation. I guess the question is then, how do I know what is in my power to control and what is not. I don't feel guilty for a lot of things I do because I don't let myself feel guilty. I know that guilt is a terrible motivation to accomplish something, but why work at something that you believe you have no control over. It's a gray area and I really don't even know if I am articulating what I am feeling right now.
To sum it up, I don't know how much of my life I have control over and that which I do have control over I am afraid of failure or afraid of convincing myself into believing I can succeed only to find that I cannot. But I do know that I like challenges and my life is a challenge. I am that same person from 15 to 20 years ago, a little older, slower and bigger, but definately wiser and with the same tenacity. I know that I am no better or more valued than anyone else in God's eye. I am equal with everyone. I believe that and try to live my life accordingly. I know who I am, I like the man that God created. I need to contribute my time and talents to something greater than myself more now than ever in my lifetime.
If you are wondering what the point of my blog is and can't figure it out...don't worry....it makes sense to me and that's whats important. Smile!!!!!
However everything has seemed so past tense lately and I was beginning to feel like life was on the downward hill now as I get older. So I decided to ponder from past and think about today. So I realized that, I have learned that there are many things that I just will have to live with and that I cannot change. I learned to not stress out about life when it comes at me full force. Things happen to people and sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it. I learned that painful experiences are just part of life. I've realized I was not meant to white-knuckle my way through life but rather make peace with life and be positive.
Yesterday I had a bit of an epiphany about how I've changed. I realized that in the process of making peace with my life that I now look at life as destiny as a living, breathing, entity with its own agenda that I cannot control nor manipulate. Essentially, I had been successful at so many things that I set my mind and heart to and had made so many changes in my life. I was beginning to question my life mission and think if I decided to settle for a mediocre life.?
No, I don't think that I've settled for a mediocre life right now. Things have gone really well over the last month or two for me and I have finally felt the return of many of my goals that I had lost. I am feeling more motivated, but not only do I have fear of failure, but also of success. Like I said, I used to believe that I could succeed in anything and I was pretty successful because of that belief. Knowing now that I cannot achieve everything I set out to achieve makes me hesitant at times and well, lazy too. It's easy for me to say, "Oh well, I couldn't help that things went this way or that... It's not my fault that I felt that way..." It's this false belief that "life happens to me" rather than "I'm in control of my life." I suppose then the truth is that there is probably a balance and harmony between the two. I just needed to know how to find that balance.
I understand that I am the master of my own ship and that there is a thin balance between what I can control and cannot. It makes accountability very difficult because I must question how much control I have in any given situation. I guess the question is then, how do I know what is in my power to control and what is not. I don't feel guilty for a lot of things I do because I don't let myself feel guilty. I know that guilt is a terrible motivation to accomplish something, but why work at something that you believe you have no control over. It's a gray area and I really don't even know if I am articulating what I am feeling right now.
To sum it up, I don't know how much of my life I have control over and that which I do have control over I am afraid of failure or afraid of convincing myself into believing I can succeed only to find that I cannot. But I do know that I like challenges and my life is a challenge. I am that same person from 15 to 20 years ago, a little older, slower and bigger, but definately wiser and with the same tenacity. I know that I am no better or more valued than anyone else in God's eye. I am equal with everyone. I believe that and try to live my life accordingly. I know who I am, I like the man that God created. I need to contribute my time and talents to something greater than myself more now than ever in my lifetime.
If you are wondering what the point of my blog is and can't figure it out...don't worry....it makes sense to me and that's whats important. Smile!!!!!
4 comments:
I looove this post...I totally feel the essence of the 'mike' that i maybe didn't know too well...I'm gonna go read this again.
Mike, this post speaks volumes my friend. VOLUMES.
If anyone was able to weather a situation, it's you. If anyone is to figure out a solution, it's you. If anyone wants to pull basically a MacGuyver - it's you. I've never known you to be afraid of success or failure and this is the most raw and open I think I've seen you write. It's touching. It's thought provoking and makes me think "wow".
You are approaching life from a new angle. This is my mantra - what you put out there, will come back to you. If you set a goal, you will achieve it. You can't beat yourself up over the b.s. that sometimes life throws at you but figure it out and move ahead. That's how I've learned to live lately and it's seeming to work.
Well mikey...
what can i say you are a "natural" at this blogging thing ...
First of all Idiot1!!!! Im responding to your dumbb answers on my question blog....Hydrogen is Water you dope head...it's condensed...read about it...second my kids will choose who they want to be when they grow up.....Third dont leave stupid comments on my blog!!!!!
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