Thinking, Realizing, Doing.....

I used to believe that I could accomplish anything that I put my mind and heart to. I used to believe that hard work, dedication and effort would always pay off for me. I may not be the most gifted person, but I believed that if I would work hard and learn alot that I could always succeed. I want to travel over seas. I wanted to save my money up and be able to live in a remote country in a place where few foreign visitors ever travel. I wanted to study a foreign language. I would take on anything that challenged me. I problem-solved and always found a solution. SometimesI had little spare money but I was able to always find a creative way to make my ends meet. I met so many fascinating people in my lifetime. I've gone to some of the coolest events and functions. I always made friends wherever I went. I maintained long friendships. My personal creed years and years ago used to be "find one common interest to relate to in everyone I meet" and that creed worked wonders for me as I would through the years get invites to so many things and call upon acquaintances at different times. I was a leader. I belived that with prayer and faith that I could change anything in my life. I was in complete control. I was devout and read my scriptures endlessly. I fully believed that I had the ability to change everything and anything in my life that I wanted to.

However everything has seemed so past tense lately and I was beginning to feel like life was on the downward hill now as I get older. So I decided to ponder from past and think about today. So I realized that, I have learned that there are many things that I just will have to live with and that I cannot change. I learned to not stress out about life when it comes at me full force. Things happen to people and sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it. I learned that painful experiences are just part of life. I've realized I was not meant to white-knuckle my way through life but rather make peace with life and be positive.

Yesterday I had a bit of an epiphany about how I've changed. I realized that in the process of making peace with my life that I now look at life as destiny as a living, breathing, entity with its own agenda that I cannot control nor manipulate. Essentially, I had been successful at so many things that I set my mind and heart to and had made so many changes in my life. I was beginning to question my life mission and think if I decided to settle for a mediocre life.?

No, I don't think that I've settled for a mediocre life right now. Things have gone really well over the last month or two for me and I have finally felt the return of many of my goals that I had lost. I am feeling more motivated, but not only do I have fear of failure, but also of success. Like I said, I used to believe that I could succeed in anything and I was pretty successful because of that belief. Knowing now that I cannot achieve everything I set out to achieve makes me hesitant at times and well, lazy too. It's easy for me to say, "Oh well, I couldn't help that things went this way or that... It's not my fault that I felt that way..." It's this false belief that "life happens to me" rather than "I'm in control of my life." I suppose then the truth is that there is probably a balance and harmony between the two. I just needed to know how to find that balance.

I understand that I am the master of my own ship and that there is a thin balance between what I can control and cannot. It makes accountability very difficult because I must question how much control I have in any given situation. I guess the question is then, how do I know what is in my power to control and what is not. I don't feel guilty for a lot of things I do because I don't let myself feel guilty. I know that guilt is a terrible motivation to accomplish something, but why work at something that you believe you have no control over. It's a gray area and I really don't even know if I am articulating what I am feeling right now.

To sum it up, I don't know how much of my life I have control over and that which I do have control over I am afraid of failure or afraid of convincing myself into believing I can succeed only to find that I cannot. But I do know that I like challenges and my life is a challenge. I am that same person from 15 to 20 years ago, a little older, slower and bigger, but definately wiser and with the same tenacity. I know that I am no better or more valued than anyone else in God's eye. I am equal with everyone. I believe that and try to live my life accordingly. I know who I am, I like the man that God created. I need to contribute my time and talents to something greater than myself more now than ever in my lifetime.

If you are wondering what the point of my blog is and can't figure it out...don't worry....it makes sense to me and that's whats important. Smile!!!!!

Independent Happiness.....

So I woke up early this morning, 5:43am to be exact. When I looked at my clock and saw the time, I was initially irkedoff I woke up so early. Then I laid there trying to go back to sleep, but I couldn't I was thinking of everything I could be doing and what I wanted to try to accomplish today. So up I got. Then I looked out the window of my living room and saw the mountains in the early morning sunlight and thought "wow, that's a cool sight" Then I suddenly felt 'happy'.

I've been thinking a whole lot lately about the concept of happiness. (Yeah, if people really knew the things I think and ponder about all the time, it would surprise you) I guess the reason I've been thinking about the concept of happiness is mostly in light of the path that I am pursuing, and in seeing the path others close to me have been undertaking.

Everyone wants to be happy including me. The pursuit of happiness can be found in almost everything we do -our jobs, school, relationships, goals, hobbies, religion, morals, etc. Yet if everything we do in essence is in some way related to our overall happiness why are so many people unhappy?

Shouldn't we be experts on the subject by now? I think there is a misconception about happiness. People all too often view happiness as if it were a physical tangible gift that comes to you on account of the things you do with your life. I do no believe that happiness is a destination or a place. It's not like we make a choice and then suddenly we say, "Okay, I've arrived! I'm happy now!"

Rather, happiness is a progression, a journey, a way of life. I believe that happiness is dependent upon progression or achievement. When I say achievement, I don't mean, winning a medal, getting a job, making a friend, or having a talent discovered and becoming famous. It is the attitude towards earning the achievement that makes the journey to the achievement full of happiness. You still with me?

So often I hear people say, "I will be happy when I get this or that. If I can just change this about myself then I will be happy. When I get to this destination in life, then I will be happy." I believe that this concept fools people into unhappiness. It fools people into unhappiness because it is not the achievement itself that brings happiness, but rather the journey itself can truly be a happy one if we let it. For me, when I make mistakes and do self destructive behaviors it is usually on account of shortsightedness, an unmet need, laziness or just plain stupidity. But through it all, I can still choose to be happy. Wherever or whatever the situation is, I can choose to be happy.

For me, happiness is dependent upon progression. Again, not the progression of achievement, but the progression of who I am, my character, and my calling in life. Achievement is merely like a mile marker in that positive progression. Because of that, no one can tell me what will make me happy, even those that tell me how much happier I'd be once I was married or had kids or did this or that.

If I can choose to love myself independent of some of my actions though; love myself as God loves me, then my weaknesses can be overcome. And when I have overcome my weaknesses or the trials or made the achievements, it is not the arrival of the reward that makes it all worthwhile, but rather the journey for me.

Thats why life is hard. Heaven wouldn't be exciting if it was just a matter of hanging on long enough to make it from birth to death. I know people are going to disagree with me on this but I believe that obedience does not bring full happiness. I'm not dissing on obedience but I'm speaking about happiness. Happiness comes from within. There are many many happy people that aren't "obedient" as you or I would see the definition of obedience. Happiness is independent of any of life's variables. Sin and disobedience are natural parts of mortality and therefore sorrowing over it does little good. Pick up, move on, and be happy.

The well quoted verse, Alma 41:10 states, ...wickedness never was happiness. I completely agree. But too often people reverse the statement and twist the meaning to say: Wickedness is unhappiness. Happiness is independent. Alma was speaking of the resurrection and the restoration being restored to happiness or in other words being restored unto exaltation. If you take it in the context that it is so often portrayed in the church, no, wickedness never was happiness, but neither was righteousness. Happiness is independent of wickedness and righteousness. Just think about it.

I choose to be optimistic and make something of myself. I've been asking myself a lot lately, "Am I happy? Am I really, truly happy?" If happiness is not dependent upon my circumstances then it doesn't matter what my circumstances are. I'm glad to be me because I can be happy. I am not the only one in life who suffers with less than perfect circumstances. I can learn and grow in the life that God gave me and I can be happy. I'm not just saying this to convince myself or out of an obligation to convince others but truly because I believe it and I feel it to be true.

So then, am I happy? I really think I am. It's not like a big roller coaster either where one week I'm happy and the next week I suffer, but over all I've been steady. I feel great about life. I feel good about the direction I'm moving and the changes I'm making. Life is really good. I am happy.

Are you happy?

Judging and Blogging....

My new blog is going to be a place where I can express my thoughts and opinions about a variety of issues. However, I think there is a topic I consider very important that I should make clear that my blog won't be about: judging others.

I try hard not to judge others, but like anyone else, at times I do. I have a variety of friends and family who make very different life choices than me, and my choices are different from their choices. I value their relationships with me and respect them, and they show the same respect towards me. Wouldn’t life be boring if all of my family and friends were incredibly similar to me? If that were the case, I would miss out on so many great friendships and experiences in this life.

I have not walked in anyone else’s shoes but my own nor do I want to. I do not pretend to know exactly what other people have experienced even though I may be able to relate to some degree. I do not pretend to know how God will judge any of us, and it is not my place to speculate His righteous, perfect judgments. My job is to “work out [my] own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philip. 2:12).

I love hearing/reading experiences of other people. It helps me learn. Wise people learn from other people—both from their successes and mistakes. I enjoy respectful, enlightening discussion about a variety of topics. I like the occassional disagreements at times when it comes to politics...Mika and AlyCat always gives me a run at this!

In short, I just want to be sure everyone knows that my thoughts and opinions are never intended to be judgmental or condescending to anyone. It may come off like it at times, because of my personality, but we all have strong personalities that often times can reflect something different than what is intended. People can disagree respectfully and share their own experiences, and hopefully we all become better people through listening, learning, and understanding. I appreciate honest, thoughtful discussion, and I hope to receive a variety of comments on my blog in the future!

"I am Free"

“I am free…” I find these three words one of the most chilling phrases in the scriptures:
And Cain went into the field, and Cain talked with Abel, his brother. And it came to pass that while they were in the field, Cain rose up against Abel, his brother, and slew him.

And Cain gloried in that which he had done, saying: I am free; surely the flocks of my brother falleth into my hands. (Moses 5:32-33, emphasis added)

We all know this story. Cain committed the first murder, and after committing the heinous act, he ironically believed he had found new freedom. In the world today, I wonder how often we incorrectly believe we are “free” when making poor choices. A few examples come to mind. I think of a person getting high on illegal drugs thinking he or she is now “free” from pains of the world. I have seen many news stories of people (e.g., Mark Hacking, Scott Peterson, etc.) who kill a spouse to become “free” rather than get divorced. Students cheat to prevent a failing grade. Some people go into credit card debt to “free” themselves of want and often times, unneeded immediate satisfaction.

“I am free.” When I hear someone speak these words—and other phrases are more commonly used —"Free Agency", "My Freedom", etc., I have to examine the context of their statement. I rejoice with a person when they are freed from sickness, disease, the bondage of sin, addiction, needless worry, depression, etc.

However, I feel differently when people “free” themselves of responsibility, moral character, thrift, conscience, truth, values, etc. Sadly, lately, I am seeing this more and more in people I know, people close to me, my own family members, makes me wonder though, how often I could include myself in this group as well. But, as I've pondered this lately, I am trying to be more conscience of my own self.

I just want everyone to remember that : All sin presents a false front of freedom. Thus, I cannot make a decision based on promised freedom—I must use other criteria to make the best decisions in my life and I hope others will too.

It's never too late to start......