In December I bought a cd with the intention of giving it as a Christmas present. That didn't happen and I think it was meant to be. Last night, when I was finished with all my television watching and chatting online, I decided to listen to this cd, titled "Reflections of Christ" (the soundtrack-check it out!)
I began to ponder the trail of misdeeds and judgement errors I have left behind me in my lifetime. I thought about all the people I've wronged, harmed, hurt, offended or ignored. I thought about actions and words I may have done or said so negatively. Then, I thought about how many times the Savior has come to my undeserving rescue - all the miracles I have benefited from unworthily.
I reflected back to March 6, 1994 when I joined the church and was baptized, how long of road it has been for me!
While these thoughts overwhelmed my mind and tugged on my heart strings, the song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" played. I can't recall ever really hearing this song before, and if I did, I didn't pay much attention. But last night I did and one of the verses really got to me:
"Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood."
I began to gently weep - which isn't hard for me to do - I admit openly that I am quite the sensitive person and am prone to crying when touched or moved. I couldn't help it. Like the song says, "Jesus has sought me even when I have ignored him, left him or was trying to run from him. He calls after me by name, with open arms, waiting to see me and hold and protect me once more "
As my thoughts turned to the Savior the next verse hit me with just as much magnitude:
"O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;"
I began to silently pray to God:
"Here's my heart,take and seal it,
seal it for thine above."
If that wasn't enough the following song was "Amazing Grace" - so obviously the same feelings swelled up within me. As I continued listening and lying in bed, other songs that sent powerful messages to me were "Be Still, My Soul" and then "Jesus, Lover of My Soul"
At that point all of this withholding of tears and sniffling and thoughts swirling around from my mind to heart through my soul got to me. I started thinking about the conversation I had online with Jenny just an hour earlier then I stopped listening and just let it out-I was compelled to kneel down right there to pray, but being I was lying in bed my laziness overcame my faith.
Once I was able to regain some sense of "normalcy" I pictured in my mind a group of small birds washing themselves in the puddles of fresh rainwater on the ground. Maybe I am weird or taking it the wrong way, but it just seemed to remind me of the Atonement. In some way, it seemed the Spirit was saying - yes, you have sinned and have wronged at times yourself and others - BUT - you can be cleansed, made whole again - Christ has died for you TOO and He will accept you if you will accept Him. Being cleansed like little birds fluttering in puddles of water while the sun shines down on them - it's a beautiful sight.
So, what's this post about? Simply that I know I have a Savior, no denying it, I'll never be perfect, I won't always do whats right, I don't have all the answers but, I do know I have a testimony:
I bear you my testimony that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everyone; yes, you and me too. He died for our sins, sicknesses, sadness, trials, tribulations, even our lost dreams and so much more - that's why it is infinite. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that He knows me by name and loves me still. It's amazing and truly a blessing.
